Birthday Banter

Perception of birthdays over the years...

Much Mushiness about a Machine

Have you noticed, how we are increasingly ascribing human qualities to technological devices, and are starting to interact with them as if they were human?

We ‘are in love with’ a new camera, or ‘totally detest’ a new phone – strong emotions, normally reserved for other humans.

We even experience ups and downs in the relationship with a gadget, There are infatuations, when we love a gadget at first sight – the sleek finish, the vibrant colour of a new MP3 player. You buy it on an impulse... and then come the hate pangs, when you realise the gadget is more style than substance, and have to take it back for servicing repeatedly. At other times, the opposite happens too – when some gadget that looks rather staid and uninteresting in the beginning endears itself to us through its steady and loyal performance.

I have definitely experienced this. And for that reason this post is special. You see, it is the last one I will be writing on my beloved HP tablet, with whom I have shared a long and close relationship.

The tablet was not my first laptop, and my old laptop was much more user friendly and a high performer to boot. But this machine was more special for many many reasons.

Three years ago, when tablets were rare in the Indian market, I saw this model at a Geonet outlet and fell for it hook, line and sinker. It looked petite yet classy, and I had never used touchscreen before. I just could not rest till one of these machines was in my possession.

Well, that was then. Since then we have been through a great deal together. It has travelled high and low with me – from Bhanpura to Pittsburg. It has been with me through good times - helped me make numerous successful presentations for workshops, seminars and internal meetings, and helped me build and launch my company’s most ambitious product – an intelligent math-learning programme. It has helped me rediscover what is really valuable in life - it has helped me reconnect with long-lost friends through FB, helped me reconnect with the nostalgia of times gone by. I have watched Jaane bhi do yaron, Ek ruka hua faisla and other such cult films on it, and I have collected a treasure chest of haunting music from the past - Joan Baez , the Ventures, Mary Hopkins etc etc - on it.

It has even helped me whip up a pretty nice ‘aloo posto’ when my kids demanded it rather suddenly :)

And it has been with me through bad times. When so-called friends left me out in the cold, it helped me rekindle childhood friendships, and keep in touch with a few good friends. And recently, when I went through a rough patch in life – with ill health and an overall crisis of confidence, it stood by me like a rock – along with my immediate family and a handful of close friends.

This is the machine on which I started blogging, with more than a little push from the above mentioned people, of course. And it was because I had the touchscreen function on this machine that the amateur cartoonist in me could ‘come out’, so to speak.

Aur haan yaar, it has not been as one-sided as it sounds. I have been by its side through thick and thin too, haan! Kya kya nahi karwaya iss ne mujh se – it has been repaired, re-repaired, and re-re-repaired. Parts have been replaced. Its mother board has conked off twice - once right in the middle of an important official meeting. It lets out a shrill eerie sound if the top is not held at an angle of its liking.

It has in turns behaved like a nut, a bully, and a tantrum-throwing brat. But as I now realise, NEVER has it misbehaved at times of real crises.

It was only when the company I used to work for asked me to return it, at rather short notice, that I realised that my machine was ‘technically’ not mine. For some time I felt like screeching like those melodramatic adoptive mothers from Hindi films – ‘Nahi, issey maine paal pos ke bada kiya hai...main issey nahi le jaane doongi... nahi, nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeee...............!!!!'

But what has to be done has to be done.

Sure, it has been a tumultuous relationship. But we had accepted each other with all our quirks and imperfections, and grown to love each other (Do I see some raised eyebrows here? Be banished, thee non-believers - as I explained earlier, I fully believe it understands me much better than most humans do). And I can’t help but feel emotional in parting with it.

But goodbye it is. It is with this, that I feel a true sense of closure with the phase of life that just passed. So here’s to a new journey – hopefully one that would be even more challenging and fulfilling than the last... and hope my next laptop is as good a friend to me as this one has been....

Letting Go

Well... here I am – one week later than intended... but finally here. Post # 3.

As I was saying – things that were totally vague till last week are now appearing to take some sort of nebulous shape. I feel I am getting some clarity about what to do in the next few months – where I want to be at the end of the ‘break’ in my life..

Of course, there is the long list of things I have planned to do – some travelling in villages to get a taste of rural education, first hand. Maybe learning new stuff – sketching or swimming or something, or even something totally whimsical, like joining a chocolate tasting club! (the last idea originates from a friend, acutely prone to making whimsical but tempting suggestions....)

But I did not mean any of these. Woh toh hoga. But I have started feeling that the real purpose of my break is something else.

Simply put, I think, I aim to use the break period to learn how to let go. In the true sense.

But ... before writing about letting go, I must necessarily explain why I must let go...

What do I mean by ‘letting go’? Basically - how to overcome attachment. I contemplated whether to say just ‘attachment’ or ‘undue attachment’ n the previous sentence – and stuck to the former. Because, all attachment is undue attachment... And here, if you, like Caesar in the Asterix comics, ask ‘ALL?’, the answer, emphatically, is ‘ALL.’

In a sense, by attachment here I really mean ‘moh’, which necessarily has a negative connotation.

And why so? Probably because almost all unhappiness comes from attachment - maybe to different things - power, people, possessions.

In fact, I would even argue that what we normally call ‘love’ is also nothing but attachment. For instance – can the ‘feeling’, that inspired Shah Jahan to have the Taj Mahal built in his wife’s memory, and subsequently, have the hands of the workmen mutilated to prevent replication, really be termed as ‘love’? Have a deep, hard think!

And boy! Is attachment a force to reckon with! It functions like a normal addiction. It grows on you quickly, often taking you by surprise, and soon it is so bad that it hurts like hell when you have to give it up... After all, you do not start off by being addicted to, say, power – you enjoy the work, slowly start liking having a team around to do your bidding, then a larger team, more perks and a ‘say’ up there - where it counts.... And hello! One fine morning, you feel the whiskers just below your nose...and feel the nose twitching.. you are a rat, all right... and you are definitely running in the race...

So, I think what I really would like to do at this stage is to try and purge myself of attachments, and lower the probability of life serving up doses of pain and grief... yes, I do think that is where I want to be after 6 months.

And yes – ‘letting go’ does not mean giving up.... it means detachment - it means being involved in action without expecting any pleasing results...like writing to someone you love just because you feel like it, without expecting a reply.... or going to a birthday party just to have fun and share a special moment with your friend, without expecting interesting ‘return gifts’ (not even very very privately J)....

So yes, I want to be able to enjoy family, friends, work and life without those trappings that weigh one down... and my only fear - I just hope I do not get too attached to detachment..... ;)

Zen and the Art of Tile Cleaning

No, no, NO!

I am not ready to be locked up... at least not yet...

But yes, my life has been interrupted. With uncertainty. 6-8 months ago I thought I knew exactly where I was going, but today I am clueless...

And 2 days into the so-called 'sabbatical' period, I am more confused than ever. My work, which has kept me going for the last many years, is no longer there, and the things I thought would quickly and seamlessly replace that, is stubbornly refusing to fall in place obediently like well-gelled hair.

I had enthusiastically thought of spending a lot of the sabbatical time teaching high school math to my 17-year old. But my brat and my brain are both refusing to cooperate. It is tough to try and stuff calculus back into your own (seemingly rapidly shrinking) brain... and when you do manage to stuff some in, the boy simply refuses to allow me to deliver it to him quickly before it runs out of my ears... stating something aggravating like 'abhi mood nahi hai...'

So you see, I do have my work cut out. Presently, in this battle I retire, wounded, for a strategy revamp.

But haan - I did do one thing on these 2 days that I am really proud of...actually, two.

The first was, of course, creating this blog. I guess it is no big deal for today’s teens and tweens – they can probably start 3 at one go, while having lunch... but for me it was like breaking some sort of a mental sound barrier. So, please, do take 5 seconds out to pat my back.

The second - I cleaned the tiles of my bathroom. Does not sound too impressive, right? I cleaned them really well, and even made some new discoveries - for example, handwash dettol is more effective than Surf to clean tiles! Still not impressed?? But here is the surprise – I absolutely LOVED it...it was near nirvana, seeing the scrubbed, spotlessly clean tiles – after months of bickering with and cajoling the household help. It was so liberating, to be able to do it yourself, the very act of doing something so totally non-intellectual and mundane!

And I remembered a book that Sudarshan had made me read at college – ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’. (Those are the risks of dating a Philosophy undergrad.. :-/) At the time, all that philosophising went completely overhead... but now, at 44, and in the present situation, it is starting to make sense. Definitely I need to read that book again.

What is meant by 'good', really? Can conventional/conditioned and romantic modes of thoughts be reconciled? Can rational thought be married to an artistic outlook? Can spiritualism be found in the day-to-day?

Can I get in touch with the real me without losing myself...? The next 6 months might hold the answer...and then again, many lifetimes might not...

But then, I can’t really stop trying, can I?