Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Aunts aren't Gentlemen

For quite a few weeks now I have been itching to get back at a particular nephew of mine. And not without ample reason! He not only makes some preposterous statements on his blog, but also makes absolutely no attempt to make nephewly (yes, I just invented that word) overtures to me when I am in Delhi – steadfastly refusing to come and see me.

A small clarification here. In general aunts are of two types – and here I go by P G Wodehouse’s classification. The first category are the likes of Wodehouse’s Aunt Dahlia - the generally affable and indulgent kind, who pull the cheeks of nephews and nieces and slip a few bucks into their grubby hands when their parents are not looking. The other, more lethal kind, are the broken-bottle-chewing nephew-crushers of Wodehouse’s Aunt Agatha variety.  I like to think I belong to the Aunt Dahlia category, but when thwarted or annoyed, I can quickly turn into an Aunt Agatha at her nephew-crushing best.

In particular, I want to respond to one particular blog post of this nephew, where he waxes eloquent about the pleasures and virtues of being single… and how he is hounded by various near and  dear ones bent upon getting him married. Also, how in certain gatherings singles are looked upon with suspicion.

Well, to be honest, I give him this… he is right about the hounding relatives and the suspicious looks, but it’s quite justified. I might sound a little biased here – but for most single men, a large part of their free time is spent in drunken debauchery.  Just take a look at the pics posted on my nephew’s blog (http://deboozedabble.blogspot.com/2011/08/singularly-me_09.htmlif you need proof. ‘Families’ generally don’t mix well with boisterous, single, drunk men. Haven’t you noticed, how some restaurants have clearly demarcated areas for ‘families’, so as to separate them from single men making a spectacle of themselves in an inebriated state!

And there is one thing I have noticed – men who keep claiming they want to remain single, have the tendency to suddenly go and jump into the lap of matrimony sometime between the ages of 40 and 55. The lucky(?) female usually being some bimbette they met at a party 2 weeks ago. Along with their discretion, these men suddenly lose all their astuteness, and end up marrying the most inappropriate woman. Single women, on the other hand, remain discerning throughout their life. They might remain single, but at least they don’t end up making a fool of themselves!

So, as my nephew approaches 40, I have absolutely no doubt he too will bite the bait sooner or later now – and I just have to bide my time till I receive that sms saying 'Got married to Sheila last evening' (or something of the sort), and brace myself to have that last, loud, vindicated laugh… 

Does that sound too cruel? To display so much mirth at a nephew's misfortune? But then, as Wodehouse said, Aunts aren't Gentlemen!


  1. Suchi Yaar!:)@#%%!* - I am sure this is the language Bumbu (The poor unsuspecting nephew) would be speakign in now. SOme times I guess its good to be in Mumbai when Nephews stay in Delhi. And what about us bystanders.
    Am also figuring out that there will be a big lot amongst your blog followers who will be wishing you get back to work fast and full time out of home, lest one of us is next on the hit list. Whatever else, you sure have a way with the words - once one gets hit one sure stays hit - Hey Ram. Kahan se nikalta hai ye sab flow of words? If I am Kinki / Shanky or Debolina I will make sure I do not take chances of writing a blog or something. Me? Well am quitely biding my time and what am scared about is the fun rest of my friends may have at my expense - reading what I always knew and thought about myself but tried pretending not to know and no one knows.
    Jai Ho! - and Bumbu - i fyou are reading - let it come back on the double - nothing eggs Suchi on like a good response

  2. Wow...Though no one in their right minds would make the mistake of confusing you with Aunt Dahlia....but a fire spouting horn headed tail swinging version?? Wow again!! While it would be beneath me to indulge in verbal warfare with a much "elderly" aunt, but what to do...I must stand up and defend my reputation and that of fellow poor singletons! But I know I am not alone here who's been scorched by the elderly devil aunt!! My poor cousin could probably write novels on the unfairness of it all! And not to mention my dear uncle Chotu, the sweetest person ever, who's probably trembling at the thought of incurring his wife,the fire lady's wrath!

    Well...First things first...The last to last time my aunt was here in Delhi, we made a plan to catch up for lunch on a Sunday..This single, perpetually drunk nephew kept waiting for lunch hungry, famished only to find out that the "elderly" aunt had completely forgotten!!! While one has been quite magnanimous in overlooking the slight, and chalked it up to an early onset of senility, albeit very early, but to be accused of not having made nephewly overtures is just plain spiteful! I therefore object mi lord! Is there no one out there willing to listen to the plights of a poor nephew?

    OH! and drunken debauchery?? May I remind my dear aunt that most men indulging in such behaviour in bars and pubs and restaurants are married! One may actually do a survey and find out what I have found out by experience!! Such kinds are so thrilled at being liberated from their domestic plights that they over indulge at the first possible opportunity!! In defence of the single people I may point out that their life is a constant- at home or in pubs or in office! Happiness all through...so no need to go all boisterous, overboard and drunk!

    So, while I look forward to turning 40 and my usual drunken debauchery and meeting a lot more bimbettes at parties though not necessarily jump in matrimony with them...I would request my poor dear uncle to keep a keen ear for "that last, loud, vindicated laugh…" It just might be a sign! There might not be a cure but I've heard medicines help if caught early!

  3. Wow... that is what I call a 'spirited' reply! But then, again, knowing the amount you drink, I expected nothing else ;)